Where I come from

I have been participating in a Lenten retreat with Jan Richardson.  This week the theme involves thinking about stories, including our personal stories.  This is a piece of my story, much is left out, based on my growing up years.  Of course, it is also based on a few threads of the story that I happen to be thinking about today.  What from my childhood is woven into me now, I wonder?  What have I let go on the way? If you were to tell your story, or a piece of your story, about yourself and about your relationship to God, what would it be...today?  

I am from mountains---where winding roads on Sunday afternoon rides would throw us unbuckled (no seatbelts then), giggling kids against each other.  Where our burning muscles could climb us  to the top of the world.  Where cold spring water tumbled over rocks and numbed dangling feet.  Where we tunneled paths through rhododendron thickets on Mountain Lake.

I am from a home on a hill---where its ever-changing shadows on the green lawn created even more shifting shapes for our play “houses”.  Where milk and cookies and conversation at the kitchen table were the after-school special.   Where we roller-skated on the carport to the rhythm of our singing under the mountain’s amused eye.  Where I planted myself on the piano bench in the afternoon while others practiced cheers or field hockey.  Where I turned pages of music until I found one too hard for me and tried it anyway, and imagined what it could sound like one day.

I am from books---where the county bookmobile made summer stops in front of my house, the neighborhood exploring its depths and I emerging with several treasures. Where my bed had a bookcase to hold them and my father made one for my wall.  Where I tried on different personalities and work and loves and adventures.  Where I grew bigger on the inside.

I was bible-belted with stories and revivals---where I once played the do-not-dance version, but another time the short-skirt-electric-guitar version.  I am from mostly hearing God talk to me in between lines of my open bible while curled on my bed.  Or when I would creep to my raised window and feel the night breeze that stirred the neighbor’s hemlock tree, hear the cricket ostinato, see stars blinking and something in the depths of me would leap and stretch.

I do not know where the preaching pastor belatedly came from.  Because where I am from, I did not want to talk much in large groups.  That talk certainly did not come from the mountains where I would rather sit on a rock and be quiet.

But I am from Bob and Beverly, who have loved the Lord and have loved each other for 65 married years next week.  Who sang to me almost every night of my childhood that “one of these days you’re gonna rise up singing, then you’ll spread your wings and take to the sky....”  Who were puzzled when I left home walking into unconservative, take-to-the-sky ways.  Who could not follow, but loved me just the same.  That’s where I’m from.

The necessity of wilderness

(Last Sunday we heard about a hungry Jesus in the wilderness facing temptation and letting go of making stones into bread.  I have been participating in an on-line retreat for Lent which has touched on wilderness and the "letting go" that we all must do....This is from my journaling.)

Most of the time in the wilderness one feels the letting go deeply,
and is aware of the doing without, little things and large, of the saying no,
and then of the stillness and, yes, the monotony,
and space, empty, long wilderness space.
There is hunger and cold, both in body and soul,
aching and fear, itching for more of something
and uncertainty about the nothing. No, nothing
is certain in the wilderness that's for sure (or not).

It is tempting to bail out. To jump back into noise and busyness. To be distracted into filling the emptiness. To filling expectations. To filling time. To filling the chatter. To fulfilling a pull to move on out and manage the universe so that contentment reigns for to whom we have responsibility. To save the world, or least my corner of it. "If you are the daughter of God, take...." 


But wilderness is slow work. It takes a long time
for hunger to grow and then lose its demanding grip,
a longer time for silence to speak.
It takes a while to know the difference
between howling wind and life's breath.
And so one Lenten foot stays in the wild while
one hand attends to the 'must do'
and the rest is falling into a pile of things dropped in the dust.
How much will be relegated in the end as so much rubbish,
and how much will be picked up again, rearranged into a pastor's backpack
with wilderness priorities and finally brought back into the community
is yet a part of the wilderness uncertainty. Either way,
it is not easily deemed part of a job description to wander for Lenten hours
in the wilderness when one must
water the soil.
There's a scent of neglect.

Or is it holy necessity?

Underneath a gray day

A week into February, the winter seemed a drab washout of grays and browns on my morning walk with the dogs.  After taking them back home,  I went out again, needing more exercise and wanting to put in more miles before the snow descended on us.  But this time with no dogs to distract me, I vowed to open my eyes and look, to stop along the way so that I could listen to something other than the rustle of my jacket.  What I noticed for the next few hours was a lovely world of subtle color, the rushing sounds of water, the calls of woodpeckers and a kingfisher, the tiny, almost unnoticeable movement of tall grasses in the stirring air.  All I had was my cell phone camera, so here are a few photos that ended up somewhat focused.  The burnt orange pine needles and the crushed red bittersweet skins didn't make the necessary focus cut, so we'll have to use our imagination to add those colors into the winter walk list.    

Translucent white ice dangling over Stony Run...

A rosy stem of black raspberry...

White grass skeletons beaten down...

Blues, greens and maroons of ivy...

Deep evergreen and faint blue...

And an even more brilliant blue...

Cream and toffee...

Variegated olives in sycamore bark...

Okay, the great heron is simply gray in the shadows, so this blue is sheer hope.  I know that when he spreads his wings in the spring noon sun, we will all marvel at how blue he is.

So now it's your turn to go looking.

TV blasts and waiting room clash

Today I sat in a waiting room while my husband was having out-patient surgery.  We had never been in this facility before because fortunately we haven't had to make surgery a habit.  The room was about the size of a large family room in a very big house.  Chairs surrounded the outside parameters. A large flat screen TV was on one wall.  In the middle of the room four rows of chairs were lined up facing the TV.   It was almost like a theater...or a secularized church sanctuary.  The TV was turned onto a morning talk show and the sound was loud enough so that people in the back rows had no trouble hearing.  People like me who didn't really want to listen were also having no trouble hearing the rather superficial and insipid (in my opinion) conversations.  No TV interview, as far as I could tell, went deeper than a few jokes and an advertisement for the next movie or book.

There was no place to get away from the noise.  I couldn't wait in the cold car with the temperatures at a frigid 18 degrees F.  My hopes for thoughtful journaling and concentrated prayer for my husband quickly evaporated.  (Apparently  ridiculously, unreasonable hopes.)  I couldn't leave the room.  I was required to remain in the waiting area to be called when my husband came out of surgery and moved into recovery.  So sitting there in disappointment, I watched a dozen seemingly contented people glue their eyes to the screen.  They seemed quiet and content.  Was this supposed to relax me?  What was the matter with me?  There was one young man in the back corner who seemed to absorbed in a book he was reading.  I envied him his concentration. 

Somehow there was simply not space for what I needed.

I am not sure yet what my point is in writing this.  Perhaps it is simply to say that I am more cognizant after today that somehow part of me did not share the same priorities as the prevailing waiting room culture.  That there was no space for what I needed.  That while I am at times as susceptible as anyone else to entertainment and addicting games (that is, I would have been this morning if my cell phone signal had not have been blocked), yet this morning I was simply out of place.  That the TV swamped me with a flood of irrelevant (to me) words while I was instead longing for some quiet for thoughts...even prayer.  Am I simply old and out of date?  Or is this simply a difference of personal interests and tastes?  Or do priorities influenced by faith have anything to do with my waiting room discontent?

I don't know.  Tonight I don't have the answer, but I am relieved to be home---my husband with ice packs and pain meds, and myself with some quiet.  :-).
   

   

So why?

So why would I want to walk  the American Discovery Trail through three states (or maybe 4, who knows?)  Why can't I just do some walking around here?  Walking is walking and it would certainly use less gas getting to and from the various parts of the trail....and making less of a carbon footprint is certainly a part of living more simply. 

Excellent question.  So before I talk myself out of this project when it's only just gotten started, here are a few things I noticed walking the ADT two weeks ago. 

1. Not many people are aware of this trail.  There are no signs that mark it.  One expects hikers on the Appalachian Trail which is well marked, but not not on an ordinary winding road through residential areas on the way to Annapolis.  This trail may not be in my back yard, but it is in the back (front) yards for a lot of folks, and I hope it becomes better known.  It is unique in that it includes stops of cultural or historical interest along the way.  I passed a coffee shop (not historical)  on the last walk, but I kept walking because I didn't need coffee.  Later I wondered if the shop owners even knew occasional hikers would be going by.  There was a bench by the front door, and I wished I had stopped and told them about the trail and thanked them for the bench.

2. When I am walking on the ADT, I am aware that I may never pass by this way again.  Therefore there is a certain alertness to discovery, an expectation of meeting new people, new sights.  This kind of walking relates to the practice of appreciating the given moment, place or person.  Too often in familiar situations, I think I know what will happen, what I will see around the corner, or what someone will say, and therefore my observation skills are on a minimal kind of automatic pilot.  There's nothing like a walk in unfamiliar territory to wake up my level of awareness and appreciation,  a practice I hope to increase in all areas of my life.

3.  On a new walk, especially on sections like the one I'm doing where there are no specific trail markings and only written directions, one must pay close attention in order not to get lost. I didn't pay attention well enough last time and took a wrong turn.  For me this relates to the spiritual practice of listening to God in order to follow the way of Christ in my life.  If I don't listen well, I inevitably get doing in the wrong direction.

4. It's an adventure and a long-term goal.    At my age any helpful incentive to keep walking and active is something to take seriously.  I just might be reducing my carbon footprint by remaining more healthy....I'll have to think about that one a bit.

5.  Because it means going to new places, it seems easier to set aside mentally rehashing the week's work and to truly have some sabbath rest.   Part of that, again, comes with the paying attention that is required.

6.  I need help doing this.  I need Rick to pick me up at the other end and to be available to call when I get lost.  He does photography in the meantime or meets me at various places.  So all of that, along with the fact that it is simply a fun thing to do with my husband,  means that I am looking forward to the next fair weather and free Friday on the ADT.

On to the ADT

                               On the way from Sandy Point State Park to Annapolis, MD

It seems to me that since Epiphany (the celebration of  the wise men from the East journeying to see the Christ child) is only two days away in the church calendar, it would be a great time to start a journey of our own.  Have you ever heard of the American Discovery Trail? (ADT)  It runs from the Atlantic Ocean in Delaware to the Pacific  in California.  It is a trail cobbled together from country roads, bike trails, forest service roads, hiking trails and sometimes city streets.  One can walk all of it, or bike some of it, or even drive parts of it, I suppose.

Anyway, my husband and I have downloaded the maps from Delaware through Ohio and our hope is to whittle away at covering the miles and seeing the sights.  Okay, I should be honest.  It is really my obsession, not his.   He bikes some.  And drives to spots to do photography.  And explores.  And provides navigational support, since the directions are not always easy.  And waits hours for me.  And picks me up when I am done.  What do I do?  I WALK!

The great news is that I have unwittingly covered 168 miles of the ADT when I hiked the C & O canal trail in 2008.  (The ADT is made by linking together existing scenic and historic roads and trails.)  So I'm thinking that a good winter project on some of my days off is to tackle the Maryland section from the Chesapeake Bay Bridge through Annapolis and on to D.C. where it joins the C&O in Georgetown.

Today was my first Friday off in ages when the sun was shining.  Hurray!  So I bundled up with my merino wool baselayer and insulating down jacket covered with a windbreaker to withstand the windchill, and we were on the road shortly after sunrise.  We drove two hours to Sandy Point State Park where I gave Rick orders to take pictures of the huge bay bridge and I headed out on the road.  It was great to get my walking rhythm back.  The territory of today's walk was more populated than one might hope: lots of residential homes, some businesses, some large estates, yachts and boats in the water.   And yet there were wildlife surprises.  I passed a highway crew cleaning trash along the road.  One guy was just staring into the woods.  I greeted him as I passed and  he said, "There's a fox out there."  He pointed out through some bare,  gray-barked trees where a red fox was standing on a log that crossed a tidal creek.  The fox paused and stared at us for a moment before disappearing into the underbrush.   Then, with mutual "Happy New Years," we humans went on with our labor and walk.

What does this have to do with wise men searching for the Christ child?  They had to follow a star.  I had to follow a set of written directions and I managed to get lost.  I still say a road sign was angled the wrong direction, but the long and short of it is that I took a wrong turn and had to call Rick to see where I was.  I ended up backtracking after going about a mile out of my way.  Would following a star have been  any easier?

The wise men confronted danger;  when they went to Jerusalem, they spoke with Herod who was a murderous loose canon.  I, on the other hand, only had to be extremely cautious and alert when the roads were busy and the shoulders narrow.  I faced no dangerous political leaders, only fast cars.

The wise men were in strange territory and had to depend on hospitality.  I could have used some hospitality.  I didn't feel like I could sit on private property to eat my packed lunch, and so I just kept walking for the longest time.  I should have stopped at the one church yard I passed and presumed upon their hospitality, but it was just a bit early for lunch break.  Oh, well; now I know to take an opportunity when it presents itself.  I suspect that some people thought I was a homeless person walking on a road and carrying a pack. I refused to stare at them staring at me.  It is hard to be a walking traveler, so tonight I can sympathize with the traveling men from the east.

The wise men ended up finding the child Christ after their search.  I don't know where this walk, done in pieces, will end up. I will keep you posted.   But today, my husband climbed out of the truck to greet me as I walked into the park under the bridge that leads to Annapolis.  That works for now.

A New Year's prayer

Family and friends (whether or not we've met face to face):

This is one of my favorite prayers from the Lutheran hymnal. It seems fitting for a new year as unpredictable as ours.  A colleague has taught me to add the "joy" part and I have; given God's love, there is always joy in our journey, even if it is hidden for a time:

"O God, you have called your servants to ventures of which we cannot see the ending, by paths as yet untrodden, through (joys and) perils unknown. Give us faith to go out with good courage, not knowing where we go, but only that your hand is leading us and your love supporting us; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen"

God's blessings in the new year...